Life is a cycle

     

      It has been five months and 5 days since I started living in Chennai. I moved from home because I wanted to know what it is like to live on my own and by that I mean, earn a living and live away from things and people that give me comfort and tie me down to the insanity of life, I mean who's to say what is sanity and insanity? But, for now I am sticking with the mundane meaning of things.

Moving on.

My previous blog post was about how I left my first job and that was the last of me publishing my thoughts out here. I came back and drafted another post but did not publish it as it wasn't something that the general audience, if any, would not gain anything out of...except for my own life's story up until then from the past, previous months. I always come back, write, and then wonder about whether or not publishing all my thoughts and feelings is a safe choice. But lately, I have realised I might need to give journaling a chance. I used to think journaling or making a to-do list or even, writing thought down would make me vulnerable by cultivating the process of ideating thoughts more and all I had were, as I would call them, self-deprecating thoughts, some of which may have slipped out into some portions of my previous blog posts. I mean, this place, my blog is supposed to be my safe place and I shouldn't fear being judged. I realised that if it gets too much I might as well make it a private blog so my thoughts and feelings stay safe somewhere in addition to my mind. I am still figuring out a way to remove this blog's address that I had put on my resume. After all, I did get feedback from some of the people I had sent my resume to saying they didn't really need to look into my personal blog. Since I now have gained a bit of experience in my current job role I can go ahead and give samples of my work instead of my personal blog. Or I should start posting only the non-personal posts. I fear and not fear being judged at the same time. I remember when I used to be open to things and welcomed all feelings and emotions with an open heart, now I feel constrained and closed off in the head. Like there is some blockade and I am struggling to remember things that I would just learn or had just listened to. I have a theory for this. Not paying full attention or putting in enough effort into remembering or just plainly disregarding things thinking they are pointless and irrelevant. I start to sound nihilistic after a while. Always happens. Maybe the edge of the circle of this life leads to a flower called nihilism that grows in the mind, blooms in the heart and wilts away, taking with it the thoughts. Is this some passive depression or something? Is it just my mind pretending to be going through depression because almost everybody these days seems to be suffering from some weird mind condition. I am not sure if mental illnesses had existed since time began, I mean where there is a mind that is capable of growing strong, it is also capable of growing weak at some points. Is it because through increased social interaction through the internet people are more aware of their own minds and are sharing and that seems to be bringing these mental illnesses to light? Are mental illnesses being glorified in a way that the people who are perfect start feeling the need to catch up on the trend of feeling moody just to feel like a part of the society that now seems to be getting attention? Am I vilifying those who suffer from mental illnesses? I should be empathising with such people. I am .... not sure. Is anybody sure about anything? Maybe I am just a writer who likes sad poetry too much that I have started turning my perfectly healthy thoughts into unhealthy, self-deprecating thoughts that take a massive toll on my confidence and now my work life. They say ignorance is bliss and I cohere with it sometimes but then, some times I decide to explore, take too much in and tread the other side of the road but I know there are good times where I feel better and realise that life is a cycle, a good cycle where I will have a good run of happy, un-doubtful moments with clear thought brimming inside my head. Also, life can be a cycle of me realising I am what I let myself be, with parts of muffled breakdowns into a labyrinth spiralling into the almost-depressions and "toxic" state of mind. A mind is a world of its own and I plan on trying to make my world bearable, one day and one journal entry at a time.

(Yep, you made it to the end of a long-ass paragraph to which I couldn't quite make myself to use the right pauses in. I mean, it all came in a flow.)

If you are reading this, that means that I've released all my drafts. Welcome to the other side of my thoughts.

Peace ✌️ ( of mind )