The timing is just off

I took an oath that I'd reinvent myself this past year. But I failed. I failed because I looked at reinvention wrong. I was trying to reinvent myself by forgetting who I am. 

Who am I? I am many things. I don't recall which singularity I am. I have indulged in many hobbies. Numerous passion projects that were creative and stimulating that I forget who I am. I forget who I am since I was so many things. My mind could not relate to any one thing I was. Now I have erased everything from me and I find myself in a void. This is the feeling when you get you're about to begin something at the wrong time in life. Time is relative but is timing too? I am realizing that in life, timing seems to hold a massive value. I feel stronger when I am alone - always have. With people, chaos seeps into my brain. I get uneasy, insecure, nervous, and rude even, sometimes.

This master's degree journey was supposed to change me for the better. Is this the storm before the calm? or is the road to an uphill battle in a new country where I always thought I'd belong but in reality I don't and never will or is it just wrong timing? 

I write dispassionately. I create dispassionately, and I eat dispassionately - I have been for the past year. I punish myself with dispassion. I have no passion or interest in growth. I want this to change. I want myself to change. To change back even.  I don't see myself moving forward. Nothing is moving forward. even if things do, I am not moved by them. I worked hard for things to happen and then they did happen but I don't own up the victory. What is this wall I've built? How do I break it down? What if I built it for a reason? I don't remember the reason. It's not surprising to me that I've forgotten the reason - I can forget things easily. What if I just need to break open a window to let me find the balance between self-defense and letting myself be open for opportunities? Can I still do that? 

This has all been a race. A rat race. A race for survival in a dumb race amongst people who know what they want to do and I am here with no clue. Going with the wind is no longer a wise choice. I am concerned for myself. I feel uninspired, drained, and wronged. But I am also grateful for the people around me. The people I left - those who sent me with hopes I'd be happier here and follow my life's chosen path. 

I've lost sight of my passion, and my path to the future. I need internal motivation. Some motivation. I need to go home to Vellore to find my energy, to find the whys that sent me here. This was supposed to be my second chance. I feel undeserving of this chance. 

I need change. I need to change. I must change things for myself.