New friends and Narcissism

I woke up this morning with a careless yet happy smile on my face. I smiled at myself at how I didn't wake up thinking of someone who had been constantly on my mind lately. I felt a certain relief that I was (still) able to wake up with a thought of a person. 

A photo from the walk

The precursor to it, I think, was the time I spent alone by myself on the walk I took later in the evening yesterday but most importantly, it was because of me indulging in seeing things through my phone's camera after so-so long, almost 8 months. I then met old friends as they came, took photographs (for my social media), met someone I knew very little of, and spent time getting to know whatever I could of them in the brief spontaneity that time allowed me to and filled the rest of my night with music on a lone train journey rather than call up the people that I talk to daily. However short-lived the conversations may be, as long as the vibe is easy (and superficial), the hours I spend with new people, reaffirm that I still have it in me to go out and talk to people just for the heck of it. I go into it without the intention to make friends, fix them or fix me, learn or unlearn things. I think I go into these things without any intention on most days. Touch and Go. The safety of it. And spontaneity. Spontaneity led me to Sonia in Chennai a couple years back. I am happy we met then. I am closer to her sister than she is to me now. Digression ends here.

I also was thinking about how the more I talk to someone/spend time, the deeper the connection grows and is no longer superficial. The general rule of thumb I've observed is, that you become good friends down the line and as friends do, you give and you take. But this give and take brings with it a caution that I might be investing in my reliance on them, something I swore to myself I would never let myself do. All of this is forged by something called boundaries. My problem is not giving or, accepting, even. It is the "expecting" with time spent with them. 

Learning to build the boundaries that I grew capable of, took a lot of my energy and a good couple of years of my time. Now, with 2 people, I lowered those reinforcements after I put up a fight with myself and with them. This time around, I was wise enough to acknowledge what was happening. Subtle remarks of not letting the other person in, making me feel selfish and transactional, telling me that looking at relationships through a short-term filter is downright dumb; and it scares me to think of all the other times I didn't acknowledge these. All three statements, I now firmly stand with. I let people in, I am no longer as selfish and don't think transactional, and have made space for long-term friends in my life. 

Fast forward in time, "I want these people for a long time in my life", were my exact words in December 2024. 

I used to feel transactional with my family, mind you, right after I came back from four years of living with my own company. Horrible, horrible person. I didn't feel so close to the three of them, who made up our nuclear family. I miss them now - distance makes the heart grow fonder, I'm guessing. All I knew of them were their stories and moments of the days of the years I shared their home with them. Is this how dissociation started for me? The thought of not feeling like I belong in my own parents' house? Am I to be an emotional vagabond for the rest of my life?

But what a powerless feeling it is to realize you're losing yourself to the old pattern that you thought so confidently you overcame and swore on your future self that you would not fall into. I learned hard to let go, remain stoic, and be numb to let someone tell/show me it is okay to let people. I can spring back to whatever stoicism I paused if all of these experiences don't wreck my frame of mind that's still surviving beneath the glass that's forming. That is exactly what it all feels. Like I am on thin ice, ready to crackle any minute. Don't push the wrong button on them, don't say things you've always said cos that makes you mean, accept things - let them feel good about them giving, take their side, talk very carefully about money, say yes to helping them because they are always in crisis, tread ever-so-carefully and lightly between the dynamics of a 3-people relationship. I've done a master's degree in the "Tyrannies between the Trinity". I am no angel. I've been hurt and I have hurt them so much, and probably the most. But damn, I think I may have found the custom button within me that I was pre-programmed with. The thing is, I am also the happiest, supported, and alive with them and I will take everything that comes with this trio as long as I can take. 

I sobbed reading my last post about losing my path during my second chance in Boston. For the most part, in my defense or offense, I was aimless by choice. Sometimes, if you could just see the shackles that you put on yourself, you'd have a better chance at seeing how you can get out of a situation you think you have no control over. NDEs should help. Or I pray to God you can find the switch in your mind's circuitry like I stumbled upon 7 years ago. Oh and I kid you not, a lot happened after - good and bad. In my life and to the world. A lot is yet to happen. Good and bad. To my life and to the world. But amidst all of it, I hope I don't lose myself further. I am cautiously happy that I am more open to the softness of human tendencies, but any more of that soft and I may hit back to where I was 7 years ago. I was as numb as I could ever be, without a reason. This time, it might be for a reason and this would make me realize that the weight of the numbness is heavier and real this time. Am I already headed there with the complexity of some relationships I have right now? I also think I can pull through as much as I can if I just stay focused on the good parts. 

Wait, what happened there? I sounded sad and then hopeful. And then hopeless again. And then like my hope is hanging on some balance that is not in my control. My thoughts are influenced by emotions heavily influenced by the background sounds of YouTube's lonely night owls' lofi corners.

Someone from 2013 told me I should consider stopping writing personal stuff because it made me think too much. So I stopped after some thought. I did agree with him after some self-evaluation that I was spewing opinions from all corners of my mind and I didn't know where I was getting to myself. But I also lost with it my identity. I might have been getting closer to refining my thought process the more I was writing. I am responsible for my life and I always will be. If I sound like I blame someone, they are merely guests in my TED talk giving me questions to think upon as the lights shine waitingly on me. They go soft when I sleep and on days like yesterday, they went dark, and all I could feel when I woke up was emptiness in my mind. Which meant more space for myself. On my mind and on the stage. The stage where I might meet my 2 friends I am so in love with. Or just myself. Or new friends who are more aligned with me. Could I find others more aligned with me? 

That pivot was not needed. Why am I looping back to the stage like a wannabe TED talker? Am I spewing from all corners again or am I just drunk on the 2 AM silence of the world? I miss these nights when I spend with myself where I and time are drunk together and mock mornings like sunrise isn't needed. The only thing missing right now is the midnight wafts of the Mediterranean flowers from the college hostel gardens. 

Whoever I find, I can't shake the feeling that I'll ever find anyone else I can be more comfortable with than myself. The anxiety, the self-doubt, the insecurity that comes with relationships, istfg, I am better off without. See how softness has me sounding like I can't function in a society? 

Perhaps I've always held the traits of this "softness" and just didn't let it display in its rawness anywhere but on my notes until these both came along. Until he came along? Wow, that pedestal is shaking looking at me address him. 

I've explored so many emotions writing this and it all ends with gratitude.