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        Feelings are strange things. Emotions are even stranger. One can only feel so much. If I could break my walls down every time I feel utterly all kinds of depressed or anxious, I would not even be antimatter. Feelings are pretty, they are beautiful and then they are agonizing. Feeling a myriad of things, all at the same time is more of a torturous stunt that my mind plays on my heart sometimes. I am not socially awkward, I am no longer a crippling introvert, yet its the feeling of meeting new people and sharing my past is where I start feeling like I may be making my old mistakes. Finding love amongst strange people, willingly blocking all the love I receive from the ones ready to offer me, finding myself lost in this new city, loving the loneliness, this music of my life, loving and hating the choices  I am making, numb about the career choices I am making now. am I even making any? sometimes thinking maybe I should not have come this far, how could I make it this far. how did I even come this far?  I never did make proper plans for anything important. I never did give my ultimate plan after college hence, I have made it this far. Sometimes feeling proud about having made it this far, sometimes wishing I ended it, wishing I made the damn plan, mustered up all my energy and did the one thing that I held on to and now I am lost in the name of exploration. meeting people that get me paranoid, I am being a person who gets paranoid, I am being a person who wants to get paranoid, I am being one of those people who try and feel anything, even the made-up, artificial, unnatural, fake feelings. I am plastic, I am non-existent.